1: The first thing you must do is accept Raptor Jesus as your personal savior. You must come to a belief that Raptor Jesus is the reptillion Son of God, and that He was hatched into this world for the sake of all humankind. Give your life over to Raptor Jesus, and He will do the rest.
2: Pray to Raptor Jesus every day. Raptor Jesus will be listening to your prayers, and he will answer your prayers. Decide to live your life for Raptor Jesus. Give up everything you have to follow Him. Raptor Jesus only wants what's best for you, and wants your soul to spend the rest of eternity in bliss with the Heavenly Father. That, my friends, is a pretty sweet deal!
3: Study the teachings of Raptor Jesus. Raptor Jesus preached love and forgiveness. Raptor Jesus said that if you have a coat, and another man does not, you should cut your coat in half, and give the half to the man without a coat. This is a beautiful and wise teaching of Raptor Jesus. Another beautiful teaching of Raptor Jesus is the suggestion that "The Kingdom of Heaven lies within." Praise Raptor Jesus! This is a deep concept, and if you think about it, you will realize that Raptor Jesus is right -- that the Kingdom of Heaven DOES lie within!
4: Be confident that Raptor Jesus has performed many miracles, such as walking on water, and turning some jugs of water into wine. And not just wine, but pinot noir wine! Raptor Jesus can heal people sickness just by touching them -- it's, like, easy for him. That's a strong case for the fact that Raptor Jesus is the True Lord!
5: You may want to consider starting your own Raptor Jesus Ministry. You may want to become the first Raptor Jesus TV preacher. The reason this is a good idea is that, TV preachers are almost all extremely, extremely rich. All they have to do is go on TV and tell people their sins will be forgiven, and that Raptor Jesus wants them to be rich and happy, and millions of people will send them money. So, you can become the first Raptor Jesus TV preacher, and you could get fantastically rich. That's okay -- Raptor Jesus wants you to prosper!
6: If you want to feel closer to Raptor Jesus, you may want to watch the movie "Jurassic Park." Raptor Jesus is not in this film, but many other raptors are, and watching raptors on TV makes you feel more comfortable with the concept of a Savior who is a reptile, and raptor. By watching Jurassic Park, you'll come to better appreciate the great power and strength of raptors. Just think how strong a raptor would be if it was THEE raptor -- Raptor Jesus. I mean, think about a raptor that has godlike powers. That's awesome!
7:Okay, consider this. Let's say you have a lot of serious problems. Perhaps you have a mountain of credit card debt. Or maybe you are cheating on your wife with your very hot and sexy secretary. Let's say you are afraid that you can't break off your affair with your secretary because you are addicted to the passion. Yet, you are all eaten up inside because of the guilt. What to do? It's easy! Give your problems over to Raptor Jesus! He will take care of your problems, and he will also forgive you. Raptor Jesus will forgive you when no one else will, so you don't need anyone else's forgiveness.
8:Teach your children about Raptor Jesus. Raptor Jesus is a good roll model for children because he is kind, all-wise, and extremely loving. If Raptor Jesus had only one dollar in his pocket, and he was starving, he would not go to McDonald's and order a McChicken sandwich from the dollar menu. No! Raptor Jesus would give that dollar to a homeless person so he could eat. Sure, the homeless man might spend that money on some cheap wine, but it's still a selfless act to give one's last dollar to someone else, even when one is hungry -- that's just the kind of God that Raptor Jesus is!
9: Let's say you are a woman. Well, what you could do is become a Nun, like a Catholic Nun, except in this case, you could become a Nun who is devoting her life to Raptor Jesus. You would be a Raptor Nun, or Raptor Sister, or whatever the case may be. This would be a good and meaningful life for any woman, young or old.
10: Let's say you're a man. You could choose to become a Priest that would be devoted to the teachings and life of Raptor Jesus. You could go to a Raptor Jesus seminary, and become an ordained Priest for Raptor Jesus. Doing so would be a blamesless and happy life -- a life that would have great meaning. Being a Priest for Raptor Jesus would be a life well-lived, and you would end up in Heaven afterwards, which just another advantage of being a Raptor Jesus Priest.
11: Spread the word about Raptor Jesus. His teachings should circle the globe, and make everyone happy!
12: Don't let people give you a bad time about being a worshipper of Raptor Jesus. If people give you a bad time about accepting Raptor Jesus as your Personal Savior, say to them: "Oh yeah, how would you like it if there was a another Hitler and he came over to kill you!" That will shut people up.
Praise Raptor Jesus, but for now i'm going to bed.
Jack Krauser, The Renewed Shadow Artist.
